“”Cause sometimes you just feel tired,Feel weak, and when you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up. But you gotta search within you, you gotta find that inner strength. And just pull that … out of you and get that motivation to not give up. And not be a quitter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse” – Eminem
Lately it seems like nothing is going my way. I wanted to blog earlier but I got sick. Sadly I had to skip church and T’s rugby tournament because I just felt like crap. I wouldn’t say I am the most religious but I am spiritual and it feels good to be there. I want to get better so I can bake for the people there and participate in the activities. I can no longer sing as I am having trouble talking and coughing. I have a build up of phlegm that makes eating and drinking difficult as the constant tickle makes me gag.
Speaking of eating, I am contemplating discontinuing the diet. I haven’t seen improvement but I do like the sense of control it gives me. Depending on my platelet count I will start the next chemo soon but my doctor has suggested reconsidering reradiation. It’s a risky decision as there’s a 15% chance of paralysis due to necrosis. I just want to celebrate my 21 after enjoying Halloween. November 11 marks one year since diagnosis and is my birthday.
In other news I am now a fan of iced coffee and can’t be more like a middle aged woman. Plus, my mom and I have started going to matinees once a week so it’s us and the old people. We saw A Walk in the Woods (if I ever have 6 months to kill I would love to hike the Appalachian Trail), The Intern, and Pan. I have a huge movie list and am currently working on Batman; I loved the X-Men series. Netflix also definitely needs to create another Longmire season to tie up some loose ends.
CHOP is thinking about starting an integrative oncology therapy program that would include aromatherapy, acupuncture, acupressure, chiropractic therapy, yoga, tai-chi, among others. I am very interested in these complimentary treatments. I am also very interested in cannabis oil if the next chemo doesn’t work. I just feel like I am running out of options. With worsening balance, life is getting harder and it feels like it doesn’t want me to win. I try to stay positive but it’s hard at times. I recently read an interesting article ar St. Baldrick’s that is about a new possible treatment.
Shane and Tutka have been coming over for American Horror Story and football and it feels good to not be forgotten. Speaking of which, I have not forgotten about my girls as I tried to see most of them play.
I learned Texas Hold ‘Em so prepare to lose some money around me. It still has nothing on Yahtzee.
I have been ordering funny cancer shirts and my doctor loved the one that said “my oncologist does my hair.”
Two songs that make me emotional are “Fight Song” by Rachel Platten and “Leave Out All the Rest” by Linkin Park. I love the October weather and just hope to experience it again. I miss Quinnipiac and try to keep up on Q30 TV, The Chronicle, Facebook, Twitter, and just started using Instagram. I really want to be there for my friends’ birthdays. I also recently got a stationary bike to get some more movement and boy is it tiring. Well less than a month until my birthday so here’s hoping to a stronger month.